To Better Myself
When you make decisions, actions or choices in the past, present or the future, whether written or verbal, the reader may interpret them differently from the writer’s intention.
I know this to be the case due to the voluminous tweets that I previously sent on my now deleted Twitter account.
You see, I was openly tweeting with a person that I was having an affair with during time period of 2016/2018.
She was married, I was married. While I never said “I love you” via a tweet nor this person was my partner, reading through those tweets in hindsight, it appears as though we were a couple.
We were not.
We were simply having an affair. We met five times over a two-year period. That is not a relationship. That is not and was not love. It was sex. Period. Plain and simple.
Yet, I was living a double life of balancing my ex-wife as well as the person I was having an affair with and while those two worlds never collided, there was always the possibility that someone – her husband, my ex, or anyone associated with the two of us – could say “Hey, what the hell is going on between the two of you?”
But no one ever did.
We were both cheating on our partners with the other. An escape from the daily monotony of two lives and finding some commonality in marriages that were seemingly broken – yet I was never going to leave my ex-wife for this person. Ever.
There were always flare ups that occurred with the person I was having an affair with. Usually, it centered around me lying to her about the timing of a family vacation. And I always had to try to smooth things over as this person would continually threaten to send a message to my ex-wife to ruin the vacation.
Yet she never did. She later admitted she was calling my now ex-wife several times just to hang up few seconds later. She knew that as a result her husband would find out and since I was never going to leave my ex for her, the potential for her to be left alone, was high.
For those of you that may have followed my poetic journey across social media, you too may have wrongly thought that myself and this person were a couple. Again, we were not.
I was never going to leave my ex-wife for her despite the fact that my marriage was a failure.
Which is why things were over between me and the person I had an affair. Never heard from her nor she heard from me since 2018.
In 2019, a couple months after I met Anna, there was a charity event organized by the husband of the person I had the affair. I went to the event knowing there was a high possibility of seeing that person although initially she wasn’t supposed to be there. But she was. I talked with her. I did not tell Anna. That was wrong of me. I should have. That person asked during the event if we could meet the next day but I declined. She then called once and that was it.
In late 2020, I informed the person I had the affair with that I was getting a divorce and that I was in love with Anna. In early 2021, this person contacted me. She was incredibly upset that I had left my ex-wife for anyone but her. The calls became aggressive with threats to myself, my family and Anna. She eventually took to social media to claim that I was threatening her.
Which I never did. She didn’t want me to go to her husband.
After the threats, I tried to smooth things over with this person. She wasn’t listening at all. She was trying to manipulate the conversation when she knew I wasn’t interested. Going from “you still have feelings for me” to sending me naked pictures, to which I inappropriately replied, “can we be friends” as she knew I had zero interest in her.
As I mentioned in my previous article, one of my issues is that I don’t like conflict generally speaking and preferred to be Mr. Nice Guy. Smooth things over.
Yet I made a decision that it was right about time to finish the unfinished business and to be crystal clear with the person that I had the affair with. To make it clear that I did not love her. That it was purely sex, after which I always felt worse about myself. And that was entirely true. I was never the one who initiated any of the meetings with her. I’d show up in different cities for work and she would tag along. It’s no excuse for doing what I did but it shows that I wasn’t seriously interested in her.
Once the person who I had the affair with read these last messages sent to her beginning of 2021, she became further aggressive with emails, social media messages that she kept sending from fake accounts she had created, as well as voice messages.
She was trying to smear me and make it seem like I was the one threatening her. I should have acted earlier. Eventually I contacted the husband who was surprised about the whole situation although she claimed he already knew about everything. I also contacted police to file a harassment restraining order.
As of now, I have a court order against the person. It is the closest thing to a harassment restraining order and if she violates the terms of the order, the harassment restraining order will be automatically granted.
Now, the person that I feel the worst for is my love, Anna.
You see, while I lied to Anna about my marriage (by telling her I was divorced), which I have discussed already, I also lied to her about this affair.
Although my tweets to this person were deleted prior to meeting Anna, there were still some comments or interactions with others that remained.
There were veiled messages in tweets and in one Instagram post. Having Anna read through these residual comments brings her a tremendous amount of pain. It also brings embarrassment to myself.
Not for the words themselves, but for the fact I lied to Anna as well as the fact that I had veiled messages to Anna while I was married.
As Anna was my secret. And I was keeping my life as a secret from her.
Every time she came close to finding out the truth, I tried to push her away.
I raged on her with my words.
And why is that? It was because I was a coward. And I couldn’t look myself in the mirror and tell myself what I really am: a liar, a cheat and a bad person.
But every single time I came to realization that I cannot live without her. I couldn’t imagine my days without her. I was and am addicted to her for she is the best that has ever happened to me.
Once I admitted the truth to Anna and ended my marriage I kept praying that she would find forgiveness somewhere deep down her heart for what I’ve done to her. She is the kindest person I know and she had to put up with a lot of my flaws and awful behavior. Behavior she never deserved. She’s still healing. And all I can do is to hope she will understand at one point how much she means to me.
Several people have reached out to Anna believing that she broke up myself and the person that I had the affair with. That is entirely not true. The affair was over and done with well before I met Anna and me and that person were never a couple.
Several people have also reached out to Anna believing that she broke up my marriage. That is entirely not true.
She did not break up my marriage. It was broken many years before and it took me too long to officially end it. Which I finally did.
Yet the person that is being impacted by all of this is Anna. She out of all the people does not deserve to question her morale character regarding her role in my dealings with the affair or my ex-wife.
She was a victim of my lies, my deception and my own insecurities. I felt that if she knew the truth early on that I was married, she wouldn’t want to talk to me.
So I lied.
I am not proud of that fact.
For the person that I love, Anna – my one true love – has suffered tremendously because of past and more recent decisions, choices and actions.
It was never her fault for falling for lies I told her when I was married.
I know that in the event that things don’t work out between Anna and myself, it won’t be her who broke us up. It will be me. I can only hope things will never come to that point.
But each day, I am bettering myself. Step-by-step.
The first and most important step though for me was to acknowledge to myself, what I truly am.
A liar, a cheat and a bad person.